How come I’m trying to be happy for others instead of myself?

My ‘closest’ friends, the friends I would die for, don’t know about my depression. These friends I’ve known since Kindergarten don’t know about my daily struggle to just stay alive. My best friend used to know everything until he left. And trust me, my parents don’t know anything about me. Now only my closest online friends know, and even then, they don’t know everything.

So how come? Why am I putting up this false facade for everyone to see, when in reality, the only thing I want more than anything is to die. Wouldn’t it be easier to just let everything go?

But then everyone would leave me. Everyone would disappear from my life like the rest of them. I’d be left alone in this world that doesn’t want me.

So there’s only one thing I can do. I have to keep trying make others happy. Even then, I’m doing a shitty job at that. But I have to try. It’s the only thing that useless me can do. So I’ll sacrifice my feelings, my life, just to make you happy. Just like Madoka.

So please, be happy. Take my life and do something good with it…

Because I know I won’t.