SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I spent the first hour of my 20s watching Denji get repeatedly blown up by the cutest terrorist I have ever seen and genuinely, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it.

The Reze movie was so peak, but you probably already know that or have heard that before. The fights were animated like MAPPA needed this movie to do well to stay afloat, Fujimoto’s storytelling transcends what should be even capable in a human mind, and Kensuke Ushio, reprising his role as the composer for the Chainsaw Man series, did what is to be expected out of him nowadays and made a generational, heart-breaking OST that made me bawl while on the way home.

Everyone already knows about this though and I’m not really here to write a critic review about the movie nor am I even qualified to do so. Instead I’d rather just write on and on and on about how my day was, how this movie made me feel, and maybe talk a bit about turning twenty.

.   .   .

This whole entire past week, including before the movie, I was in a bit of a melancholic state. Despite it just realistically being a number without a whole ton of meaning, I still felt so much dread and anxiety towards the clock turning midnight. This would technically mark the end of my teenage years, something that I Just really did not want to happen.

If it were up to me, I’d stay a teenager forever and ever although I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe I feel this sense of remorse and regret towards my teenage years having spent it being depressed, lonely, and never experiencing the normal teenage life that most kids get to experience. Or maybe I just really, really don’t want to grow up. Or perhaps it is a mix of the two that makes me feel this way.

.   .   .

I arrived at the movie theatres early, just because I really wanted to escape my jail cell of a bedroom for a bit. As I arrived and was looking for a place to park, I drove past this group of about 5 or so guys around my age being really loud and rowdy in the parking lot. I thought to myself, “Maybe they’re celebrating a birthday. I’m here about to spend my 20th birthday watching a movie alone while they’re having fun with friends. That’s nice.”, so I made sure to park far away from them.

I brought my camera with me and walked around the outside of the closed mall trying my best to find a nice, secluded place far away from people to take scenic pictures. Despite my best efforts, I still felt extremely self-conscious, dysphoric, and anxious walking around with my camera and the homemade transgender bracelet my ex made and gifted to me.

It was cold and I wasn’t very well dressed for it, but I kind of just didn’t care. Despite my hands being so numb it felt like it was going to fall off I still kept pressing that shutter button as if it was going to freeze time and stop me from ever turning 20. I walked around for about 40 minutes or so taking mediocre pictures and trying to distract myself from the occasional loud laughter that could be heard from that group in the parking lot.

Eventually I figured I had enough of the cold and made my way inside the theatre to my seat. I purposely chose a seat that would be at least 3 seats away from the next person in the same row however as I arrive to my seat, I see someone sitting just 2 seats away from me. I checked about a dozen times to make sure I was in the right seat and I checked the app again to make sure that none of the seats near me were reserved and lo-behold, they weren’t. How annoying, I thought to myself, but truthfully it wasn’t that big of a deal.

.   .   .

I find myself embarrassingly age-regressing a lot to a 16 year old girl. I can only assume it’s because I wish I could go back and stop myself from becoming the way I am now. Maybe if I just had made some friends and just maybe if I was a normal girl then I would’ve turned out okay. It’s also probably because I wish I didn’t have the responsibilities I have now, but back then it still felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders so maybe nothing would change.

Despite this constant thought that I wasted my youth and my teenage years and I will never be able to get them back, I realized I was wrong. I always thought to myself during high school that I would never ever find love and that it was just one of those things that wasn’t in the books for me, but just last year I was able to fall in love with someone who loved me back.

.   .   .

After finishing the movie, I solemnly walked outside into the 1 AM night trying to process both what I had just witnessed and the fact that I was now 20 years old. Once again the bitter cold froze my hands off, but still I took out my camera and shot some pictures of the now barren parking lot.

I spent around 15 or so minutes in the parking lot just taking pictures of my surroundings and thinking about the movie. After a bit I decided it was about time to go home and just as soon as I was going to get in my car I see a SUV drive really quickly towards the curb where the movie theatre is, stop for a bit, then do a U-turn and leave. I didn’t think much of it until I saw a little black cat running around the parking lot looking so seemingly bewildered and scared of everything. Welp guess I’m staying here for another 30 minutes, I told myself with a sigh.

I opened my trunk and dug into the plastic bag full of cat treats and food made exactly for this moment. At first I tried to lure the cat with treats, but they seemed way too shy. I made myself small and made cat noises, but nothing worked. I even pulled out my last resort, my cat ears! However this didn’t have much effect either. I tried different treats including a precious squeeze treat that I had to throw away. Eventually I gave in and stopped bothering the poor cat opting to just leave them a can of cat salmon food.

As I was walking away to leave I saw them eating the can and it made me really really happy. I gave one last effort to get close, but they still ran away in a flash so I finally threw in the towel for good and just watched them enjoy their meal from afar for a couple minutes before finally actually deciding to give up and head home.

.   .   .

The age of nineteen for me was such an interesting one. I turned nineteen in the midst of a bumbling friendship that eventually turned into my first ever relationship. I spent most of my time as a nineteen year old experiencing this “teenage love” I missed out on the past 6 years of my teenage life.

Even though we never got to do the typical teenage love things such as hold hands and kiss, we still got to say I love you to each other, something I seldomly experienced in my life as a whole, which is enough for me to confidently say that yes, I was able to experience a bit of youth in my teenage years. That makes me happy.

.   .   .

On the drive home I put on the OST from the movie and I think that’s when the emotions really started hitting for me. Listening to Kensuke Ushio’s beautifully composed in the pool and just remembering that scene was enough to make me cry, something I didn’t do the whole movie (except when Aki saved Angel Devil). I drove home on the completely vacant roads at 35 mph, a far cry from the usual 60 mph I would usually do under these circumstances.

I wanted the drive home to last forever. The beautiful night sky just accentuated the emotions imbued in each song. As every song played and played I remembered more about what I had just watched and more and more thoughts popped up in my head about what it meant to me. Finally I began to draw allegories to my own life from the movie and that made completely bawl while driving, enough to where it was hard to focus on the road.

.   .   .

Eventually our teenage love fell apart and we broke up. Perhaps that is the most teenage way love can end, but still it broke my heart into a million pieces. I found myself relating to Denji a lot in never experiencing love before then suddenly being thrusted into a girl finally liking you, then feeling betrayed after the fact when things don’t work out (although thankfully I didn’t get bombs thrown at me).

At some point it clicked for me that, yeah I do feel betrayed and hurt, but I don’t have it in me to hate you and I don’t think I ever will. I tried so hard to do so to get over the pain, but I couldn’t make myself do so at all no matter how hard I tried. Seeing Denji describe it as “like a fish bone stuck in your throat” made me want to reach into the screen and give him a hug because it’s true… that’s how hating you feels. I don’t blame myself for not being able to resist dreaming of an impossible future for a bit, but I also don’t blame you.

And just like Denji, I have no choice. I still find myself in love despite everything. Maybe everything was a lie and maybe you don’t even remember anything, but you taught me so many different things that I’ll never forget. You taught me what it is like to be a teenager and experience youth. I don’t think I can thank you enough for that.

Maybe you’ll see a flower and it’ll remind you of the first time we met by chance in the summer rain. Or perhaps that’s all our relationship was… just summer rain. The beautiful summer experience, a chance meeting, and then poof, it all vanishes mysteriously into memories and the past. Maybe that’s just exactly what youth is.

You granted me the only wish I ever had for my teenage years… Thank you for teaching me how to swim. I’m forever in your debt.

I’ll be there at the cafe at lunch… I’ll be waiting.