When I entered high school, I thought it would be like every high school romcom anime I had ever watched. Kaguya-sama, Sakurasou, Toradora, even Angel Beats! I was so certain it’d be like that.

It wasn’t.

The last day I was ever happy at school was my middle school graduation. Friends surrounded me as I said my goodbyes to them. Hugs were given and taken, tears were widespread, and the words ‘I love you’ could be heard everywhere.

In reality, for most of these people, they’d all see their friends again. Most of them were going to the same high school as their friends and would get to enjoy the beautiful high school life promised in every American TV show and anime romcom.

However, for me, this was the end of my world.

This middle school I went to was actually a Kindergarten to 8th grade school. I had been there since Kindergarten. 9 years of my life spent here, it’s all I knew. Our graduating class was miniscule too; 30 students. All the middle school drama, volleyball games, and memories shared. It’s safe to say I had grown really close to these people.

Yet despite that, it all disappeared in an instant. It all went away when I had to go to a high school far away where I knew no one.

I lived relatively far from the middle school I went to. The reason why is a long, unimportant story, but oftentimes, I find myself wishing that my parents didn’t do this to me. I think to myself about what would have happened if I was just sent to a elementary school near my house and went to high school with people I loved and cared for. Would I be any different? Maybe not. Maybe so. I know I’m not like this just because of my high school experience, but maybe I wouldn’t be so terrible if my high school experience wasn’t like this.

How was my high school experience? I absolutely dreaded the first day of high school. I was the most nervous, anxious twat you could ever imagine. I walked around timidly scared of all the upperclassmen trying to frighten the freshmen. I immediately got mud on my brand new shoes and my social anxiety forbade me from talking to anyone for the entire day. It was like that for the rest of my high school experience too.

Actually, maybe that’s a bit of a lie. During freshman year, everyone seemed like they were trying to make friends. Some extroverted people looking to do so talked to me during the first few months and I started to become acquaintances with them. They adopted me!

In fact, in my maths class, I sat in a table with 3 cute girls who I could actually talk to and got along with pretty well. They were all super nice and I remember thinking to myself how high school romcom this situation was. (Yes, I was cringe and weird. I still am.) One of them even asked me if I liked one of the other girls and I vehemently denied this accusation. Despite having none of my closest friends here, I thought that things were looking up for me.

Just as I was getting close with these people and beginning to make friends, the Covid-19 pandemic hit. Immediately most of my connections with these people I was trying my hardest to become friends with got severed. They were relationships that could only work when we saw each other everyday during class. They weren’t out of class relationships like the one I had with my middle school friends.

Actually, Covid reignited my relationships with all my middle school friends. We somehow all reconnected on discord in a server and they were the people who kept me company during Covid. 16 hour days where I would just spam League of Legends and Valorant games with them. Days where we would stay up all night playing Minecraft and building houses. Playing CS:GO surf servers and just talking about our feelings as the night sky grew dimmer and the moon shined brighter.

I would go days forgetting to eat. Weeks not showering. Months not leaving my room ever. I used to think about how much I missed these Covid days, but now when I look back on them, I can only think about how it ruined my life. Of course it’s not all it’s fault. I had a lot of problems before it too, but I believe it made my already prevalent social anxiety so much worse and reignited the idea I had before middle school that I could just stay in my room all day and be happy.

Of course, as soon as in-person school came back my junior year, I dreaded it so, so much. I used to pray that we could go back to lockdown because I didn’t want to go to in-person school that badly. So incredibly selfish of me, but I hated the idea of in-person school so much. It was for a good reason too. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone, so I didn’t.

A lot of days ended up with me not uttering a single word at all the whole entire day. Lunches were eaten alone on a slab of concrete where no one sat. When someone did sit there, the alleyways were my next option. And when those were crowded with people, the washrooms were always an option. The washrooms usually had people so there were a lot of days where I just didn’t eat lunch. Rainy days too because all of these options were outside so I would just walk around my school and think a lot. My mind was the only thing to keep me occupied for most of my high school life. It became my only friend.

My middle school friends went back to their normal lives with the people they went to school with, but that wasn’t an option for me. I never got that close with anyone at my school before Covid hit.

Everyday, I dreaded waking up for school. School was not only lonely, it was incredibly stressful. The maths exams, the English projects, the teachers, everything. I would procrastinate all of it just because that’s who I am. Maybe it would have all been fine, but the fact that I had to do it all alone with no one to help me; it was all too much.

I would come home from school and just sleep. Sleep all day and as much as I could, just to run away from it all. Even I eventually figured that I was very much depressed.

I wish to myself everyday that I tried harder in high school so that I could’ve gotten into a good University, but I also remember how bad my depression was during high school and try not to be too hard on myself. I still somehow went to my classes everyday just because of my parents. I somehow passed all of my classes. I somehow graduated. So good job past me. You did your best and I’m proud of you for somehow making it through that. It’s a miracle.

Every summer break I had during high school was my heaven. My three months of happiness. They were the only times where I could be free. Not imprisoned inside this hell that I couldn’t escape. My middle school friends would occasionally invite me to something during these summers and every time I accepted. They don’t know how much those outings saved me. The first day coming back to school was like being forcefully shackled to a prison truck and being sent back to jail. They gave me a taste of happiness. A taste of freedom. Just to take it all away again. I would cry the whole day before school started. I hated it. I hated it so much.

Nothing will ever be as bad as high school. However as my last day of happiness ends and I begin my 2nd year of college tomorrow, I can’t help but think about all of this. These 3 months of happiness were some of the happiest I’ve been in such a long time. Will it last me throughout these next 10 months? I don’t know. But I’m so happy it happened.

If this is the last school year that I ever have to attend, I’d be happy. I’d be happy I got to experience happiness, sadness, and love. I’d be happy I had such a wide range of emotions and such an eventful summer.

I’d be so incredibly happy I got to experience my last three months of happiness. So thank you everyone.