Every so often, whenever there is a lull in my constantly moving life, in-between all of this never-ending chaos that is school and people, my mind likes to wonder; what is the point of it all?

What goals am I trying to achieve? What am I trying to do with my life? Why am I still alive?

I always come to the same conclusion: My life is pointless.

I feel like I’m living the life of someone I’m not. I am currently doing a major I do not want to do. I am a gender I do not want to be. I am living the life of someone else. I am living a life that I do not want to live. I am not living. Period.

I feel trapped. Truly and utterly trapped. Yes, I still experience happiness and joy, but it is all always temporary. All my happiness will always come with the caveat that I am not truly the one experiencing it. It feels like a puppet is experiencing everything for me and I am just controlling it from the inside. This deeply seeded thought always affects me no matter what. It will always remain as a bug inside of my brain until something changes.

It will always feel like I am chasing someone else’s happiness. Someone else’s passion. Someone else’s dream.

I don’t even know what I, myself, dream of anymore.

Simply… Who am I?

As a child, when I reached into the starry night sky and pulled my hand back, it responded with such magnificent sparkles. It made me believe in the beauty of life. The hopefulness for a future of happiness.

When I reach into the same stars now, there isn’t anything. I’m met with silence and solitude.

Did the night sky forget about me? Did the stars give up on me as I grew up?

Why?

Please don’t let me be stuck down here forever.

Sparkle once more and let me escape this cage.

Please.