I had that same dream again. Oh, you know, just the dream where you die. I cried and cried my eyes out until I couldn’t anymore and you still didn’t care. You still died. You put me in so much pain and yet you still didn’t bother to say goodbye? That’s a bit rude. However, it’s fine. I forgive you.

Only because I ended up waking up. An immediate sense of relief washes throughout my body first. Then a sense of anxiety and dread hits and cry my heart out again. This time real tears flow and they don’t stop. This time, I don’t forgive you. Because now I have to experience this feeling every night until the day my world ends.

.   .   .

I imagine that everything I do during the day is all just a distraction towards the inevitable pitfall of grim emotions I experience every night. It’s not as if my happiness isn’t real, it’s more-so that there’s always a caveat to it. An escape from the despair that’s always temporary. How come it can’t last forever? The feelings won’t even linger around for a little bit? That’s not fair is it. Not so fair at all.

Honestly I’m pretty tired of it. Being in this default state where nothing seems right, everything seems hopeless, and the world is dull. It takes everything to pull me out of this state and I just sink back in every night. It’d be more painless to die a thousand deaths.

The worst part is how I can imagine a future where I am so close to the real thing. Salvation lays right next to my fingertips enticing me with it’s luscious scent. Then it gets taken away again, just like always.

In the past, I couldn’t even imagine a future where I get that close to being saved. To some people that might seem like progress and while I’d agree, I don’t think I could bear that ending. It’d be one of the most painful feelings in existence. Worst than anything I’m feeling now. Worst than anything I’ll ever feel. Enough so to where I wouldn’t want to get anywhere close towards being saved.

I am without a doubt stuck inside samsara. The endless, repeated cycle of birth, misery, and death all orchestrated by karma. Fitting for a Buddhist like me. It’s not as if I don’t deserve it, I’m a bad person after all. The only way to escape samsara is nirvana. To reach enlightenment and free yourself of all earthly desires. In other words, if the world ends up forgetting you, you’ll be free.

As much as I’d love to be free from this cycle, I don’t think I’d ever want you to forget me. As selfish as that may be, it’s disingenuous for me to wholeheartedly believe that I want you to forget me. So I guess I did change. Just a year ago I would’ve been fine with everyone forgetting me. In fact I would’ve wanted nothing more.

Now, I want you to save me. Reach out to me and want me enough to destroy the whole world for me. You don’t die this time trying to save me. My burdens aren’t too heavy for you to carry and instead of crying, I reach back.

I had that same dream again. The dream where you saved me.