I don’t know the first thing about love. It’s as foreign to me as the stars I see in the night sky, so far and distant, yet they shine so bright whenever I see it.

Recently, I’ve been coming across a lot of tiktoks about love. A lot of people talking in-depth about why their relationship didn’t work and whenever I read them I can only think to myself, what are they talking about? It feels like like I’m reading a foreign language. These people can think so in-depth about their relationships and explain perfectly why they feel it didn’t work out in such a articulate way.

However when I think to myself about why certain relationships didn’t work, I get so confused and dazed. I just don’t get it. I can never tell what the person on the other side of the relationship is feeling. I can only guess and act based off that right? People are so confusing. I don’t think I’ll ever understand them.

At the same time, I don’t even know what I want. What do I want out of this person? It’s not that hard of question is it? But whenever I think to myself about what I want out of people, my mind comes up blank. It’s as if my brain is too miniscule to think deeply about relationships.

Or perhaps it just doesn’t have enough information to think so deeply about it. After all, the only thing it knows about relationships are based off the romcom anime and manga it’s owner has consumed. In those, everything always ends so perfectly. The MC always knows exactly what to say and whatever drama there is always ends happy and well. So maybe I’ll never get it.

The thing is, I’ve loved a lot of people before. In fact, it’s all that I can do. I feel like I have so much love in my heart to give to the people that I appreciate the most. The only problem is I’ve never been loved back.

Unconditional love? What is that? My idea of love is that I have to do something in order to get this reward. I had to get good grades to get love from my parents. Do my friends’ homework to get their love. Maybe that’s the only way I can get love, but I get it. There’s not much to love about me after all.

I just wish I had someone to teach me about the intricacies of love. Someone to take my hand and lead me along this foreign path that I have never traversed before. As they take me along this path, maybe somewhere in the middle, we go to see the fireworks.

The deafening booms detonate throughout the air. However, I can’t hear any of it.

I can only hear my heart beating. Faster and faster until it eventually explodes with all my feelings shattering across the place.

And finally, this person catches all of my shattered feelings, one by one, and they give it back to me, fixed and intact. They announce the words that I’ve been wanting to hear ever since I was born. These words have no strings attached unlike the rest of them. I close my eyes and take in everything. I’m finally living in the present.

I love you.

This is all a dream. A result of my obsession with romcoms. I’m such a loser. As much as I love to imagine my life as a romcom, it’ll never be one. I’ll never experience the love a romcom MC gets.

My loveless life will remain loveless forever. However, it’s my fault. Nobody else’s.

Moon, tell me if I could
Send up my heart to you?
So when I die, which I must do
Could it shine down here with you?

“My Love Mine All Mine” — Mitski

Editor’s note (4/20/26) - love was nice smile, but I still don’t get it.