midterms, applying for uni, work, ex, maintaining friendships, going outside, being healthy… I can’t do it. it’s all so much. I know everyone else does it but I don’t know how they do. I’m so stressed n anxious n everyday it really does feel like I could die at any moment.

I hate all of it so much. I’ve tried my hardest these past 6 years despite my brainworms but it’s never been enough. every year that passes feels like I’m getting closer to the point where I can’t keep running away from it anymore and I feel like I’m really close now.

everything is collapsing around me and soon all of my failures will finally culminate to kill me. ah it all hurts so much. every year my stress n mental health has been getting worse n worse as it neared this point and now it feels like all of that stress has accumulated to now.

I shouldve tried harder to make friends in high school, I shouldve tried harder in my classes, I shouldve tried harder in my relationship, I shouldve tried harder to keep those friends, I shouldve tried harder in college. now it’s all too late. all my failures are facing me now.

my biggest mistake was probably never trying to at least get medicated and at least try therapy and letting my mental health issues get worse n worse until now I’m at this point. years of suppression towards everything including being trans led me here.

no one will ever care nor take me seriously until I get worse though. until they see physical signs rather than just these useless words I write for no reason. but it’s not as if anyone can do anything, it’s up to me to save myself but I’m past that. I failed far too much. sorry.

it’s all useless. ill still wake up tomorrow and still “try” to study for my midterms and “try” to apply to uni knowing that im just going to fail at it all. I’m just going through the motions just to say “I tried”, that’s all l’ve been doing for the past 6 years.

I wonder when will be my breaking point? maybe when I get rejected from uni. when I fail the 2nd chance the system gives you. it’s all such a shame, to have no real passion or goals. to just be this marionette for everyone to use and see themselves as.

I have no hope for my future anymore. no more goals or dreams. no real purpose in life. I’m just existing like I have been since high school started, an entity floating throughout this world. I have no real things I actually like. no real interests. I’m not even a real person anymore. I just wish I could’ve made someone happy, wish I could’ve gave my life away to someone more deserving than me.